Enough really is enough (at least for now)

Note: This post was written awhile back, but I recently found it and wanted to share.

It happened. This morning. Though I can't say I wasn't warned.

Our eldest daughter, an 11-and-a-half-year-old sixth grader and first year middle schooler, didn't kiss me goodbye when I dropped her off at school.

I knew this day would come. Eventually. So why was I waxing nostalgic, thinking about her taking her first steps, picturing her with bangs and pigtails?  Wasn't this the girl that was more timid and cautious, that always wanted to hold Mommy's hand when things got scary?

Of course this made me reflect on myself at her age, and how I was feeling. I, too, was a shy (no really, I was) but social kid. I loved my parents but wanted desperately (as do most tween/teens, I suspect) to fit in and not have any reason to be "different," for that surely meant teasing and possibly being ostracized by other kids.

Yep, same kid. And yet she was different. She had evolved. Matured. Grown — in age, certainly, but even more so in confidence. She had become more self-reliant and comfortable in her own skin.

Either that, I was just becoming a source of embarrassment. (OMG, Mom!) There's always that possibility.

Postscript
I mentioned that this post was written awhile ago, but what I didn't realize, until now, was that I have actually done exactly what my daughter had: I've grown.

In revisiting this blog after so many months away (can you believe it's been over 7?) I can see how I've embraced my uncertainty and change to mold my life more into what makes me happy.  Having greater freedom and autonomy has allowed me to take my "foot off the gas pedal" (love that expression) and look around. And so far, I'm liking what I see.

Since my last post, I've accepted two contract positions (which subsequently led to additional projects), and have been offered full time jobs (which I politely declined). I'm finally in a place where I have some financial certainty and fulfillment yet enough flexibility to take on (or decline) additional work.  I've been able to make a conscious choice to truly balance my time to include more of what makes me happy (time with family and friends, traveling and creative expression activities).

That said, I'm now hyper-aware that this situation may not last forever. And I don't mean that in a negative away.  Rather, I have a very strong sense that there is an amazing, huge opportunity that will surface before the end of the year and, knowing me, I'll want to dive in head first and give it my all.  In fact, several people close to me (and even those not so close — am I that transparent?) have asked me if what I'm doing now is "enough" for me. (As an aside, it's important to note that I'm often compared to Claire Dunphy — not Julie Bowen, the actress that plays this character on "Modern Family" — but of Clare. Apparently, I seem to give off a very driven vibe. Huh, go figure.)

But back to the question of "enough."

It seems to me that "enough" is a moving target of sorts. What constitutes "enough" today, may in fact not be "enough" or even "too much" tomorrow.  So why play that game? 

My answer to the question is this: enough really is enough. 

At least for now.  ;-)

What Bears and Latkes Taught Me About Fear

Hello, friends. Long time no chat. I can't believe it's been over a month since my last post. Of course, lots has been happening to fill my time — the major surgery of a friend (boo!), being hired for my first few gigs as a free agent (yay!) and oh yeah, the Holidays (the jury's still out but so far, so good).

Still, I've been feeling kinda lousy about not being able to write and post, especially because in my last post I declared (rather emphatically, as I recall) that I was, and always have been, a WRITER. Sigh.

In fact this morning I was sitting with my youngest daughter, Sofia, at my favorite coffee shop explaining to her that I've been feeling bummed out because I hadn't written in so long. I asked her what Mommy should write about. Without skipping a beat, she said: "Maybe you should say your daughter is doing a play."

That's all I needed to hear. Immediately I made what my second-grader's class calls a "connection" — that spark of an "a-ha" moment where you connect two seemingly disparate thoughts.

I smiled at Sofia and thanked her for providing Mommy with the sorely needed inspiration for her next blog post. So here goes...

My 7-year-old daughter is doing a play. While normally this wouldn't be front-page news, the fact that Sofia has agreed to do the play and, even more importantly, is excited to be doing the play, is. Let me explain.

This summer, when Sofia found out who her teacher was going to be, she got very anxious.  Apparently her new teacher had a reputation for doing an enormous amount of plays ("Like, five, Mommy!").

I sat Sofia down to talk about what was bothering her and to ease her fears, citing her independent and fearless nature and the joy she finds in singing Justin Bieber songs to anyone, anywhere, at any time. We also talked about how useful her naturally projecting voice would be on stage, since she probably wouldn't even need to use a microphone.

Though she nodded her head in agreement, she added: "But I'm a little bit scared, Mommy."

And there it was. Fear. Of the unknown. Of performing in front of people you don't know. Or people you do know. Fear of failing. Or fear of — gulp! — actually doing well.

But a funny thing happened.  Sofia started the school year with preconceived notions about her teacher and those plays, but over the course of a few months her fear has been replaced with excitement. Which is not surprising, since fear and excitement are often intertwined.

Also not surprising are the parallels I found to my own situation. When I first became a free agent, I was secretly giddy...and terrified. This was completely uncharted and scary territory. Like Sofia, I had to put myself out there, on stage, for all to see (and judge). I might fail to perform. Or I might do really well.

Preferring the latter, I chose to prepare and practice. I poured myself into research. I became an even bigger networker, infusing caffeinated beverages and lunches into my meetings with friends, colleagues and peers. I sought counsel from my trusted circle. I rehearsed, mentally and physically, to make this shift become more natural and second nature.

All this effort might seem futile to some, but for me there were (and continue to be) real rewards: I've maintained and expanded relationships within my professional and personal networks, discovered new trends and sources of information to stay fresh and current, and learned that most people already believed in me and my abilities — I just needed to believe it and get out of my own way. Hmm, nice.

In short, my confidence is back up where it belongs. Which is why I believe I've been able to land a few new gigs, actually found the courage to decline one opportunity that didn't jive with my skills, level of experience and abilities, and am currently evaluating two potential, long-term options. And, like Sofia, I hope to have rave reviews that will garner encores.

The first of Sofia's class plays is entitled "The Holiday Show," a lovely work celebrating a myriad of Winter holidays and traditions, with an exclusive performance the evening of December 15th. Sofia will be starring as "Bear," a lovable creature that finds herself being drawn out of her hibernating slumber by the call of the latkes ('"Bear," they're saying, "we're waiting...Bear, come get us while we're still really hot."'). And (spoiler alert!) Bear ends up overdoing it with the latkes ("I should have stopped at sixty-three!"), singing a seven-stanza song about it.

I know all this because Sofia's been rehearsing, every day.  Which of course makes me immensely proud. And inspired: if my little bear can continue to find and express herself, then so can I.